Keenan McCardell Upset!
Port Moresby - Keenan McCardell went on record today complaining about Flowers management. His long winded tirade centered around the Flowers having him on the trading block for over fourweeks. In that time McCardell has been one of the Flowers' most suprising stars, totalling 257 yards and four touchdown receptions.
McCardell explained "When I was a young man, I worked the steam-train line as a bellboy. Every night I'd go to sleep on my goose feather mattress under the stars (which were in different positions in the sky because it was so fucking long ago) and dream about being an NFL player. Well here I am, centuries later and I am not about to sit here quietly while I am being disrespected." McCardell then turned off his hearing aid in order to easily ignore reporters' questions.
Burbank Defeated!
Burbank - The Flowers did it again this week, posting a 108.19-99.57 victory over the Burbank Testeverdes. Keenan McCardell led the Flowers with four catches for 80 yards and two scores. It is interesting to note that while Keenan McCardell is a really old man that has no business in sports, he is nearly 7 years younger than Vinnie Testaverde (born 1963).
Other highlights by the Flowers included Edgerrin James' 108 yard, 1 TD performance as well as Terrell Owens' 80 yards and 1 TD. A mar to the game was the possible injury of Steven Jackson, but test results have not yet been released. Also, Vinnie Testeverde was born the year that Kennedy was assasinated in Dallas, Texas.
The coaching staff was prepared to come under heavy criticism for their last minute pickup of league pariah Aaron Brooks, as well as their more startling move of making him the immediate starter. With the win, the handsome and charasmatic owner of the Flowers appears to be vindicated and possibly a genius.
The only dissent after the win came from whiny Carson Palmer who once again griped "I am the best [quarterback] on this team right now!" Derrick Mason then said "I am also the greatest, and Ruben [Droughns] can eat a dick." Droughns was unavailable for comment, because his mom's phone got cut off because she's so poor. Droughns is widely known to still live at home with his (fat) mother.
In response to his weekly outbusts, it looks like the Flowers management has decided to start Palmer next week against the fearsome Math. When asked about his second week of demotion, Tom Brady replied "I am at peace with all decisions, and all dreams mirror reality." This was especially strange considering that in 1963 (the year Vinnie Testaverde was born), Dr. Martin Luther King gave his famous "I have a dream" speech.
Gay Momz employ Molestee
Greensburg - Even more shocking news from the world of professional fantasy football. It seems that the Greensburg Gay Momz are putting a troubled young man on the field, a man that was molested.
While other teams have managed to staff entire rosters without any molested players, it seems the Gay Momz don't think that the unwritten rules of sports apply to them. Their blatant flaunting of molestee Lavernues Coles' past sexual history has sent the entire league into a tizzy. What will the flamboyant leader of the Gay Momz do next?
Coles (who was molested) in an interview earlier this week, said "I haven't talked about [molestation] in … forever, but I know that holding something like [being molested] inside has been a burden for so long...For [a man that was molested as a child] to get on this platform that I have, having been in the league and have all the media attention that we have, I think [molestation]'s something that should be said."
Humiliations!
Port Moresby - Terrell Owens held a press conference this morning detailing the Flowers' humiliating defeat on sunday. The flashy, overpaid and near-holdout star of the Flowers was clearly emotional as he read from a prepared statement. "I always do what I can to inflate my own ego, dismiss or insult my fellow professionals, and buy more diamond earrings. Yesterday, that came back to haunt me as my fantastic and selfish play got in in the way of two very imporant things : winning and not losing."
The rambling, often incoherent Owens then broke down and wept.
The Flowers management had far more to say, and also far more to cry about. With the loss, the Flowers fall to 1-1, their lowest point of the season so far. Also, with basically every player on the team playing as well as possible, there was clearly frustration in the air after losing. Carson Palmer was seen walking around the sidelines with a cloud hanging over his head. When the backup was asked about his role on the bench, he paused and then spoke quietly through his gritted teeth " If I were in this goddamned game we would have won. That pretty boy Brady is FUCKING US OVER". He was then restrained by teammates.
Fallout from the loss was immediate, with Domanic Rhodes, Julius Peppers, and Sebastian Jankowski all being immediately fired and thrown off the team. Peppers was clearly the most distraught, seeing as how he was the acting player/coach, although the cut could not have come as a suprise. His only legible comment was "DEATH." Janikowski and Rhodes were unavailable for comment.
The entire Bears' defensive squad re-joined the team immediately following the game, after coaches watched their play against the kitchen staff team. The Bears join Leonard Little and Neil Rackers as recent additions. After the Bears arrived, Nathan Vasher was seen roughing up Ronde Barber almost immediately, while the rest of the Flowers stood around in a circle laughing.
Lots of movement from the Flowers
Port Moresby -
Wow! What a week to report!!! There have been movements all around the league, with several high impact vets getting CHOPPED! You may notice that the Flowers dropped the entire
Bears defense, as well as the underperfoming running back
DeShawn Foster.
Stephen Alexander also was cut, which will surely hurt the Flowers' salary cap next year. The loss of all 11 Bears starters means that the team will be relying on the ancient and all wise defense of
Tampa Bay in order to stop the Nashers this week. No offensive linemen have yet been signed, nor have any plans been made to compensate for this very strange tactic. An insider with the organization mentioned possibly playing "iron man" football.
In stranger news,
Michael Jenkins was brought in to backup the demonically talented and retarded
Terrell Owens. Unfortunately, Owens was visibly scared after seeing his reflection in Jenkins' bright smile and immediately forced Flowers management to trade Jenkins away.
Jenkins' spot on the bench will be held by
Dominic Rhodes, who spent his first day in camp tieing Edgerrin James' shoes and fetching his water. When asked for a comment, Rhodes simply sighed and replied "With Luck, Edge will break his head open. I could really use some carries, as the performance clauses in my contract are really the only reason I play."
Reuben Droughns, another mid-week addition was seen playing with children's games and laughing at simple humor.
Kevin Curtis spent his first week for the Flowers on the bench, where even lowly
Derrick Mason gave him shit. Said Mason "Look at you! Can't even get on the field, and I, the great Derrick Mason get to play nearly ever week. HA HAHAHAHAHA!!!!!111!!one!"
Gay Momz employ Beater of Women
Greensburg - Yet again, a disgusting choice from the front offices of Professional Fantasy Football. The Gay Momz are gleefully employing the scumbag Larry Johnson, who in his spare time beats women. These include girlfriends and just ladies that happen to cross his path.
Said Johnson " "This is something I...want to be named...a woman beater because that is...my M.O.," he said Wednesday. "That is...how I was raised."
The owner of the Flowers was unavailable for comment, but a spokesman said "We were hoping to draft him in a later round, but because of his obvious character issues we were unable to get him before the Gay Momz took him off the board. He's an obviously talented individual, and also seems to really enjoy striking women or throwing them to the ground."
Gay Momz are Soundly Defeated
Greensburg - An expected clash of the titans ended up being a dominant game by the Flowers. Despite starting the half stupid Donald Driver across from the nearly retired Keenan McCardell, the Flowers were able to dominate both sides of the ball this sunday.
Were the Flowers that good, or were the Gay Momz simply that bad? The Gay Momz, who came out of the tunnel in an dazed stupor, were full of excuses and complaints. Said team skipper Ladanian Tomlinson: " I thought this was going to be more like training camp where we lept around while our one-tittied ladyfriends watched and Mike [Clayton] sang in falsetto...[we] never expected to have to deal with these ravishing brutes and their excellent play." Ladanian then wept in a girlish fashion.
Highlights of the day included McCardell's 128 yard, 2 TD performance. It came despite his reliance on a walker for much of the third quarter, and his demand during the fourth that he be allowed to "nap." Donald Driver managed to stink up the field in his 4 quarters of play, and we asked his teammate Derrick Mason for a comment we received a cryptic "If I had been playing I would have caught twice as many balls for twice as many yards."
Also impressive this week was the Flower's dominence in the ESPN 3 on 3 street basketball tournament. The Flower's bench fielded a team of Matt Jones, Antonio Gates and Julius Peppers - all standout basketball players during college. When asked about their win, Jones said "Duuude, Peppers totally rawked! The tourney was awesome!"
Tom Brady does it again
Port Moresby - Another thrilling performance notched by playboy and ultimate man Tom Brady. With this week's game spilling over from thursday to monday (somehow), Brady was able to lead the perfect life while going 24/38 with over 300 yards passing and 2 touchdowns. He did it all while dating model Bridget Moynahan and constantly playing with his three superbowl rings.
This is, of course, three more rings than the great Dan Marino has.
After the game, Brady said that he was looking into flying and breathing fire again, having taken a sabattical to focus on his cancer-ending research. Asked if performances like thursday night would be par for the course, Brady replied simply "Earthly concerns are your interest, but I have gone beyond your science and culture." Early speculation hints that this may be a reference to the Patriot's mid-game switch between the 3-4 and the 4-3, more likely is that Brady's wisdom won't be understood or truly grasped for years to come.
Week One Concerns for the Flowers
PORT MORESBY -- All eyes undoubtedly will focus on All-Pro wideout Terrell Owens this thursday through sunday at Office Depot Field when the Port Moresby Flowers host the Greensburg Gay Momz.
That's understandable, as it will be not only the Flower's first home appearance since they picked up Owens last January, but also Owens' first action since his offseason of controversy spilled into training camp.
Will Owens interact — positively, negatively, or at all — with Flowers quarterback Tom Brady?
Considering that he was out of action for roughly a month because of a serious ankle injury and surgery before coming back to catch nine passes in Super Bowl XXXIX, concerns about Owens' health and whether he needs to have time on the field with Brady probably can be put aside. Even at 90 percent, he will get open and catch passes. Also, the looming possibility that Carson Palmer may take over the offense must weigh heavily on the giant retard's walnut-like brain.
So there will be plenty of other people and issues worth watching, including:
How will having the entire squad of the Tampa Bay defense on the bench effect the game? Is there a reason all the starters of the Bears defense are playing? Is there a possibility that the Tampa starters will be pressed into service as offensive linemen? If no, WHY?
How desperately do the Flowers need to find a veteran wideout to be their No. 5 receiver?
Player/Captain Julius Peppers was seen during training camp eating an entire sheep between sets. Will there be enough sheep available to keep this monster at bay?
Finally, Antonio Gates is still facing a suspension for the first game because he received a second technical foul in the final minutes of the last preseason game. His flagrant foul while posting up against Master P forced the league to levy a one game suspension, which is still under appeal.
A New Season is Upon Us
Port Moresby - WELCOME FLOWER FANS!!!! :) :)
As you can see by this picture, the new Office Depot stadium in beautiful downtown Port Moresby was completed in the offseason and I CAN NOT WAIT TO ATTEND A FOOTBALL CONTEST THERE!
As I'm sure you all know, this offseason brought us some amazing free agents. Julius Peppers, Edgerin James, Terrel Owens, Antonio Gates, Tom Brady, Donald "the duck" Driver, Derreck Mason, Steven Jackson (also known as Stephen Jackson), Carson Palmer, DeShawn Foster, Keenan McCardell, Matt Jones, Sebastian Janikowski and even Steven Alexander all signed 1 year contracts.
Also, strangely, the entire defense and special teams units from the former Chicago Bears as well as the Tampa Bay Bucs signed. HOW WEIRD!!!! :P The only thing this team needs right now is a long snapper and an offensive line, although the waiver wire looks pretty thin....
I'll try to cover all these new playes as the weeks go on, but in the meantime GOOOOO FLOWERS!!!!!
