The Kittens Bullpen is more like a PIGPEN!!!111!!
Port Moresby- Obesity is an epidemic that effects all sorts of "regular" people. It is a worldwide problem that causes the early deaths of hundreds of thousands of people every year, and is a leading cause of heart disease, diabetis, and lardation.
This very serious issue in now even influencing something that matters: Of course we're talking about the relief pitching of the Kittens.
The Kittens bullpen currently has about a million pitchers in it, and basically all of of them are obese. In order to increase social pressure on these awfully unshapely men, we've decided to do a feature piece on each of their fat asses.
Our first overweight closer is Bob Wickman. In addition to being really fat, he is really bald. He is also a millionaire!!! He is basically your dad, but with a better changeup.
King fatso is Armando Benitez (pictured below.) Earlier this season he was quoted as saying "I can get as fat as I want. What are you going to do, use Tim Worell?"
Benitez's buddy and enabler is young closer Jorge Julio. He's mostly just got a fat head.
Ryan Dempster is also very fat. He got hit by a bus and said "stop pushin."
Anyway, pitching coach David Wells is reportedly threatening to consume any players that are big enough to be a complete meal for him. This should, presumably, force our fat friends to slim down. In the meantime, when you see these majestic men lumbering around the streets of Port Moresby, help them out! Yell " HEY YOU FAT FUCK LOSE SOME FUCKING WEIGHT, I'M GOING TO PUKE JUST LOOKING AT YOUR FAT SACK OF SHIT FACE"
Go Kittens!!!
Around the League
AP - Some strange activity this week in the PFFL, as teams from pathetic small "loser" towns try to compete with the big money market teams of Greensburg and Port Moresby. How these "small fry" and "boondock" villages still manage to put together a team is astounding at times. A complete look around the league, as of press:
1st Place: Port Moresby Kittens
The Kittens started and ended the week in first place, a feat never accomplished in the PFFL. They also managed to shed clubhouse pariah Cliff Lee in a deal that brought in orphaned loners Bill Hall and Craig Wilson. As Wilson and Hall were released from their shipping crates, the light of freedom caused them to weep tears of joy. Also, in a move labeled as "haughty" and "overconfident" they traded away the best closer in the game (BJ Ryan) and the best third baseman (Troy Glaus). In exchange for these fine baseballers the Kittens organization received Ryan Dempster and Ambriorix Burgos, two below average chumps. Will these trades work out in the end? HISTORY SAYS YES.
2nd Place: Barfield of Dreams
Another sad and weird week from the Barfielders, as management capped an excellent set of aquisitions (the aforementioned Ryan and Lee) with a typical and yet bizzare demand to league offices. While frequent meandering rants from the flamboyant Barfield owner are common and politely tolerated, this week they may have gone too far. Demands (presented in a series of handwritten letters) called for a change in the amount of innings played per game, the size of the strike zone, the distance between the basepaths, and lastly how ERA will be determined for used-up has-been lefties like Randy Johnson.
3rd Place: The Great Ones
The Great Ones (owned by the children of the great Phil Niekro) managed to climb into third place behind the strong play of Matt Holiday and Johan Santana.
The fans of The Great Ones continue to chant "There's a reason why they list me on top right now. Yahoo! predicts me to win." which was, at the beginning of the season, their unimaginative rallying cry to early victory. Since that week, however, it has become somewhat of a "joke" among league insiders, one source going as far as calling it "pathetic."
4th Place: The Aqua TeensNotradeclause Field was the home of intense rioting this week when it was leaked that Jessica Alba threated to sexualize the entire fan base of the Aqua Teens in exchange for trinkets and beads. Aqua Teens management was quick to veto the trade, and therefore draw the wrath of their "fans."
5th Place: Langosteros
The Langosteros only succeeded due to the play of Magglio Ordonez, who used to play for the Kittens. Said Mags "I wish I could go back and play for the Kittens."
6th Place: The TERPSTERPS ownership revealed this week that despite being somehow related to the management of the hoes, their management styles actually differ by quite a lot. The TERPS released this information through a giant loudspeaker, first quieting the crowd with a 120 decible "TERPS SPEAKS"
7th Place: RON CEYA plane crashed into their stadium and injured everyone.
8th Place: Roadrunners
Attempted to connect via yahoo IM
9th Place: hoesWas unavailable for comment. Management has infuriated the press due to vanishing, and not answering the hard questions like "Are you there" and "Does anyone manage this team?"Criticism has been especially tough in regards to forcing Javy Lopez to suit up and lay comatose behind the plate for every game. This forces their pitchers to run to home and retrieve every pitch, wearing them out.
10th Place: Infrontofu
The scary mobster/vampire joint venture team has been unable to hold things together. Albert Pujols is now playing pitcher, catcher, 2nd, and center field simultaniously. This allows him to bat 4 times more frequently, but unfortunately impacts his defensive play.
11th Place: Cape Cod Kernels 12th Place: WAGABAZAS
The two teams owned by scary siamese-twin billionaire Bostonian ex-patriot telepaths remained the the cellar of the PFFL. WAGBAG pitcher Kevin Millwood posted at 47.00 ERA on the week, while Kernels pitcher Kris Benson posted a somewhat more respectable 19.00 ERA, but fucked a supermodel every night.
New Stadium for Port Moresby
Port Moresby - In the off-season, the recent improvements to the stadiums located in Madang and Mount Hagen intensified pressure on Kittens management to put together a comprehensive refurbishment package for the dual use Seabass Memorial Office Depot Stadium. These plans finally came to fruition this week when construction was completed on the new field.
During the unveiling a team publicist was quoted as saying "The PFFL is known for its amazing stadiums. Greensburg's Magic Beans Field is known the world over for their gormet corn-shell tacos, bunless burgers, and free AIDS screenings. The Roadrunners wouldn't be the team we know without the Pink Monster and the fact that their glory-hole bathroom stalls are still made out of real wood. Even the Aqua Teens' NoTradeClauseDome is world-reknown for its ability to thumb an architechtural thumb at God himself (due to it's overwhelming ugliness , clumsy and inept construction, and general emotional spite towards the human condition.) Today Port Moresby joins this illustrious list of professional sports stadiums. Thank you!"
All around the league, people have been spitting out their coffee in amazement at the new stadium. Said one Kittens fan "Hey look at the Stadium that the Hoes are playing in! It is clearly being run in an ABSENTEE fashion. It's like no one is there, ever."
The Wild Ride That is Success
Port Moresby - Like a modern day Icharus, Port Moresby Management has flown too close to the sun; they now fall - aflame, tumbling, and humbled.
The owner of the Kittens (pictured here in his only known public appearance) drew accolades through thursday afternoon as his clever gamesmanship steered the Kittens from the cellar of the division to the rooftop. Clutch performances by Troy Glaus, Chone Figgins, and the entire starting rotation had reinvigorated a sluggish Kittens lineup.
Even the living embarassment known as Travis Hafner had contributed this week, thanks to the new "DH Chain", a heavy chain (attached to both Hafner and the ground) that provides alternative protection spectators and players. It replaced the "Hafner Cage", a crippling cage filled with spikes/spines that hampered Hafner's swing, follow-through, and ability to charge into the stands. While the chain still limits Hafner to playing DH (it will not allow him access to several parts of the field), it does allow more freedom to swing. Hafner rewarded his handlers with a .393 average, 4 homers, and 14 RBI; he also partially consumed a rosin bag.
Beastly accomplishments aside, thursday afternoon became thursday evening, and things quickly turned tragic for Port Moresby. Fueled by the rioting that has accompanied their meteoric accent, Management went on a bender. When all was said and done, it was clear that embarassing trades had been made. The only comment (scrawled on the sidewalk outside the team headquarters in feces) was simply "Abiorix, Chone, Tadahito"
More on the fallout from these trades next week, unless they are vetoed by an increasingly hostile PFFL.
Barfielders Management : Crazed WBC Fan
Greensburg - Strange things are afoot at the top of the "Baseball PFFL". Barfield of Dreams ownership have apparently eaten some of their own magic beans and traded their closer (Ryan Dempster), best player (Derrick Lee), and excellent starter (Tim Hudson) for the angry young WBC superstar Carlos Zambrano.
The "Z-Dawg", as Barfield managment has taken to calling him, has looked awful this year since his excellent play in the WBC. He nonetheless garnered a trade in exchange for the entire emotional core of the Barfielders, causing Adam "When it comes to having sex with men, I am never" Dunn to weep openly when he discovered he would be seperated from Ryan "Cumdumpster" Dempster.
League sources were unavailable for comment, though Jason Bay was heard saying "Thank God I'm off that sinking ship, the ship that is leading the league."
Week 3 Update
Port Moresby - Finally, the Kittens have gotten around to shedding the fat to GET LEAN! The recent trade of Manny Ramierez and Grady Siezmore to Cape Cod has in one fell swoop rid the team of all the clubhouse cancer. It was, to quote league insiders, "Like Chemotherapy" (the painless and always successful cancer treatment.) Also traded was Matt Clement, who was more like a clubhouse polyp.
In the trade the Kittens received three players with names that are either nonsense or simply crude sexual terms: Chone Figgins, BJ Ryan and
Oscar Villarreal. They are (in layman's terms) a Speedy Gonzalez, a Foghorn Leghorn, and a Marvin the Martian. Kittens management raved about their aquisitions saying "We are proud to recieve these decent players in trade for our superstars. Little does Cape Cod Management know, but our Poison Pill was Matt Clement. He will give them one decent start, and then immediately shit the bed. VICTORY!"
Barfield Management was less kind, calling the trade a "mistake" and a "panic" move.
