Port Moresby Fantasy Sports!

Around the League

AP - Some strange activity this week in the PFFL, as teams from pathetic small "loser" towns try to compete with the big money market teams of Greensburg and Port Moresby. How these "small fry" and "boondock" villages still manage to put together a team is astounding at times. A complete look around the league, as of press:

1st Place: Port Moresby Kittens
The Kittens started and ended the week in first place, a feat never accomplished in the PFFL. They also managed to shed clubhouse pariah Cliff Lee in a deal that brought in orphaned loners Bill Hall and Craig Wilson. As Wilson and Hall were released from their shipping crates, the light of freedom caused them to weep tears of joy. Also, in a move labeled as "haughty" and "overconfident" they traded away the best closer in the game (BJ Ryan) and the best third baseman (Troy Glaus). In exchange for these fine baseballers the Kittens organization received Ryan Dempster and Ambriorix Burgos, two below average chumps. Will these trades work out in the end? HISTORY SAYS YES.

2nd Place: Barfield of Dreams
Another sad and weird week from the Barfielders, as management capped an excellent set of aquisitions (the aforementioned Ryan and Lee) with a typical and yet bizzare demand to league offices. While frequent meandering rants from the flamboyant Barfield owner are common and politely tolerated, this week they may have gone too far. Demands (presented in a series of handwritten letters) called for a change in the amount of innings played per game, the size of the strike zone, the distance between the basepaths, and lastly how ERA will be determined for used-up has-been lefties like Randy Johnson.

3rd Place: The Great Ones
The Great Ones (owned by the children of the great Phil Niekro) managed to climb into third place behind the strong play of Matt Holiday and Johan Santana. The fans of The Great Ones continue to chant "There's a reason why they list me on top right now. Yahoo! predicts me to win." which was, at the beginning of the season, their unimaginative rallying cry to early victory. Since that week, however, it has become somewhat of a "joke" among league insiders, one source going as far as calling it "pathetic."

4th Place: The Aqua Teens
Notradeclause Field was the home of intense rioting this week when it was leaked that Jessica Alba threated to sexualize the entire fan base of the Aqua Teens in exchange for trinkets and beads. Aqua Teens management was quick to veto the trade, and therefore draw the wrath of their "fans."

5th Place: Langosteros
The Langosteros only succeeded due to the play of Magglio Ordonez, who used to play for the Kittens. Said Mags "I wish I could go back and play for the Kittens."

6th Place: The TERPS
TERPS ownership revealed this week that despite being somehow related to the management of the hoes, their management styles actually differ by quite a lot. The TERPS released this information through a giant loudspeaker, first quieting the crowd with a 120 decible "TERPS SPEAKS"

7th Place: RON CEY
A plane crashed into their stadium and injured everyone.

8th Place: Roadrunners
Attempted to connect via yahoo IM

9th Place: hoes
Was unavailable for comment. Management has infuriated the press due to vanishing, and not answering the hard questions like "Are you there" and "Does anyone manage this team?"Criticism has been especially tough in regards to forcing Javy Lopez to suit up and lay comatose behind the plate for every game. This forces their pitchers to run to home and retrieve every pitch, wearing them out.

10th Place: Infrontofu
The scary mobster/vampire joint venture team has been unable to hold things together. Albert Pujols is now playing pitcher, catcher, 2nd, and center field simultaniously. This allows him to bat 4 times more frequently, but unfortunately impacts his defensive play.

11th Place: Cape Cod Kernels 12th Place: WAGABAZAS
The two teams owned by scary siamese-twin billionaire Bostonian ex-patriot telepaths remained the the cellar of the PFFL. WAGBAG pitcher Kevin Millwood posted at 47.00 ERA on the week, while Kernels pitcher Kris Benson posted a somewhat more respectable 19.00 ERA, but fucked a supermodel every night.

posted by The Minister of Information @ 5:25 PM