Brady Blows it again, Palmer's Head Explodes
Burbank - The well oiled machine known as the Port Moresby Flowers is no more. The Flowers fell again sunday, losing by approximately 50 points to the lowly Testeverdes. With two losses in their last three games, the Flowers can potentially fall out of first place next week- a position they've held the entire year.
This loss was quickly blamed on coaching decisions, as several players on the bench were clearly better than those who played.
This was never more apparent than in the play of Tom Brady over Carson Palmer. Tom Brady's sub-sub par performance was only offset by the pre-game announcement that he now suffers from the crippling disease known as Downs Syndrome (MONGOLOID.) Despite this announcement, made over the stadium speakers, Brady was still allowed to play and start - infuriating Carson Palmer. Palmer was so insensed (after Brady's fourth interception) that his head literally exploded. He's listed as probable for next week.
Said Brady " Passing is fun! Do you want to play catch with me? Greg [Wesley] is my friend, I throw to him! "
Flowers Win Again, Fans Apathetic
PORT MORESBY - Another win by the Flowers, this time a simple 138.04 to 91.53 defeat of the once proud Nasau Nashers. While many Flowers fans were eagerly anticipating a spirited rematch versus the team that earlier defeated the Flowers (handing them their first loss in week 2), their anticipation quickly turned to apathy.
The game was, in a nutshell, a boring and easily predicted blowout. Fans were seen yawning and leaving the stadium in droves as soon as the second quarter, and the Port Moresby coaching staff began drinking far earlier than normal.
Standout performances in the unexciting contest included Carson Palmers 222 yards passing with 3 TDs, and the defense getting 3 sacks, 3 fumbles recovered, and 2 interceptions. Even the statisticians were bored, however, and these numbers were unverified.
In other news, the Greensburg Gay Momz quaterback Jake "The Joke" Plummer is set and ready to shit the bed.
Ogre signed.
Port Moresby - A sad state of affairs this weekend, as the match between the Port Moresby Flowers and the Greensburg Gay Momz instead turned into a slaughter. With Carson Palmer and Antonio Gates sitting out in order to "...make the game more interesting", an uninspired Flowers crew fell to the mercenary outfit known as the Gay Momz.
The Momz have made waves around the league due to their high-profile free agent signings, as well as their steadfast disloyalty to all their players. Nary a week has gone by without Momz management cutting a promising young rookie or ruining a valiant veteran's chance to retire with the city they love.
This "new brand" of football has served them well, however, and they enter the week a suprising 6-4 and with the possibility of making the playoffs for the first time. While football purists are shamed by their actions, the Momz feel that the "honor" and "sportsmanship" of the game should take second seat to the new ideals of "winning percentage" and "points."
In response, the Flowers this week cut aspiring young TE Jeremy Wiggins, and replaced him with a partially shaved mountain gorilla. The young gorilla, known affectionately as "Matt Jones" will play slot reciever.
Terrible Owens Joins Favre in AZ
Arizona - In the continuing soap-opera/demolition-derby which is Terrell Owen's life, the plot was just thrown for a loop. His outrageous behavior coupled with his on-field dominance led many in the media to ignore the dire state of the world and to simply focus on his increasing irrational demands.
Owens clashed with Flower management this summer and earned a one-week exile from training camp after a heated dispute. This led to a bizarre workout on his lawn in front of neighbors and reporters.
Owens got in trouble this time after taking shots at the team and quarterbacks Carson Palmer and Tom Brady in an interview with ESPN.com on Thursday.
Owens was upset there was no in-stadium acknowledgment of his boorish, childish and irresponsible actions in a victory over San Diego on Oct. 23. An announcement was made in the press box.
"That right there just shows you the type of class and integrity that they claim not to be, they claim to be first class and the best organization. It's an embarrassment. It just shows a lack of class they have. My publicist talked to the head PR guy, and that PR guy spoke with his assistant, and that assistant apparently talked to the owner's brother over drinks. They said everything was set, so that when I chop blocked [head referee] Bill [Anderson] the celebration would begin. But that was a blatant lie. Had it been somebody else, they probably would have popped fireworks around the stadium."
Owens also said the Eagles would be undefeated with Arizona's Brett Favre at quarterback.
"A number of commentators will say he's a warrior, he's played with injuries," Owens said, referring to Favre. "I feel like him being knowledgeable about the quarterback position, I feel like we'd probably be in a better situation. Like he would throw three picks, and then a touchdown to me, Terrell Owens. He would then throw three more picks, and then another touchdown to me, Terrell Owens. We would be undefeated."
Following this new conference T.O. announced his retirement from football, and his desire to join the Arizona Bears in "whatever capacity available." As of press time, Arizona has accepted T.O. with welcome arms. While management was unavailable for comment, Larry Johnson went on record as being excited that the Bears finally have "A player, or civilian, or whatever he is now on the team. It'll be great to finally hear how terrible our offensive coordinator is, as well as how badly we all stink. I'm hoping they give him a bunch the money they had earmarked for me, and that he will insinuate that I have the AIDS during his first contract dispute."
Signings from around the league
Strange things are afoot in the PFFL, with Halloween weekend only a lame excuse.
For starters there was an absurd bidding/waiver wire war for
Rod Smith, who had earlier been cut from the Balcoholics. League insiders were dumbfounded by the amount of interest and cautious smacktalk that the pickup warrented.
Another bizzare pickup was the Gay Momz employing
Drew Bennett. From the AP " Wide receiver Drew Bennett returned to practice Wednesday, but he is still sporting a cast to protect his injured thumb and
was limited to running routes with the scout team." This means the Gay Momz will most likely be sitting Drew Bennett until he heals up and is able to catch lots of passes from the walking corpse known as Steve McNair.
Last but certainly strangest was Los Chinchillas's addition of
Vinnie Testeverde, the mascot of the Burbank Testeverdes. While last year the Long Beach Lusters had great success playing the Philly Fanatic at Tight End, no one considered that the same idea could possibly work twice. Only time will tell if the gimmick-laden Chinchillas know what they're doing.
The lone bright spot in movement this week was Burbank's cutting of
Dante Culpepper, AKA Mr. No-Show, AKA Dante's Inferno, AKA Dante Chokepeper, AKA Dante NoMoss, AKA Captain Asshole of the Love Cruise. He ended the season with 6 TDs and 12 INTs, and there has been some question as to the health of his knee. It was last seen being backwards and only held on by a little scrap of tendon.
Burbank - The well oiled machine known as the Port Moresby Flowers is no more. The Flowers fell again sunday, losing by approximately 50 points to the lowly Testeverdes. With two losses in their last three games, the Flowers can potentially fall out of first place next week- a position they've held the entire year.
