HA!
Port Moresby- The mysterious city of H-Town this week dropped out of the "elite", and became simply the top team in the muddled middle of the PFFL.
The wake up call came hard for the Balcoholics, who came into the season a suprising 6-1. The loss leaves them in a good position to make the playoffs, but with little hope to capture the top seed.
For the game, their bizzare quarterback rotation fielded league pariah Aaron Brooks, who earlier this very seaon played poorly for the Flowers. During the season the Balcoholics have started a virtual encyclopedia of terrible quarterbacks including Joey Harrington, Kurt Warner, Tim Rattay, Gus Ferrote and finally Brooks. Brooks was determined to make a statement, and to let the Flowers know they made a mistake by letting him go.
Brooks did make a statement, completing 14 of 31 passes for a whopping 181 yards. In the process he threw only one interception and was sacked 6 times, once for a safety. After the game, Brooks said "Did you see that I only thew one interception!? That is literally the best I've done all year."
Brooks' poor play was a contributing factor to the loss by the Balcoholics, who in the end took a serious drubbing, losing 143.22-92.22. The biggest factor in this whipping was 30-foot tall Antonio Gates, who caught 10 balls for 145 yards and three touchdowns. After his second touchdown, Gates retrieved Brooks from the sideline and proceeded to spike the chump into the endzone in celebration. Derrick Mason was seen rolling around in laughter.
Other highlights for the Flowers included basically every player on the roster, with the exception of Doug Gabriel. His dull-witted stare contributed in his ability to catch zero balls for zero yards. When asked, Carson Palmer said "Shit, if LT can play quarterback and Kordell Stewert can play wide receiever, maybe someday soon Gabriel will learn to play his own position."
Flowers Destroy Trojans!
LaJolla - The Flowers reached midseason at a league-leading 6-1 with their 126.41-88.82 win over the Trojans. Standouts for the Flowers included Edgerrin James (139 yd, 2 TD) and Donald "The Duck" Driver (114, 1 TD). The win was distinguised by Carson Palmer's worst game of the season, a 21 for 37 performance for 227 yards and 2 interceptions. Said Palmer " I refuse to rock out until you trade Pretty Boy [Tom] Brady!"
The Trojans dropped to 3-4, just out of playoff contention. While their owner was unavailable for comment, Jerry Porter summed up their team as "a pack of wild, uncontrollable beasts. Not in a terrifying manner, have you, but more simply that we are without discipline and shit all over the place."
Next week will feature a matchup against the 6-1 Balcoholics, with the entire league looking on while they determine who controls first place. On monday the Balcoholics announced their future plans to trade Santanna Moss and Steve Smith for a sack of magic beans. After the trade Ron Mexico has announced plans to eat the beans and throw for three touchdowns, a feat that he has never accomplished in one game.
Port Moresby : A Wall of Stone
Chinchilla, Mexico - The Flowers came into week 7 with a mission : to stop the high-flying air attack of the dreaded Chinchillas. They were able to do just that, holding the trio of Chinchilla recievers to zero catches for zero yards in a dominant 120.17-59.65 win. The Tampa Bay defensive unit accomplished this through constant pressure on Trent Dilfer, who ended up the day 16-30 with an interception.
Said Donald Driver "While we have a lot of respect for our fellow professionals, Trent Dilfer clearly is a terrible, terrible quarterback. They should go get someone off the waiver wire like Kurt Warner, who threw 16 less incompletions this week and one less interception." Derek Mason was more vocal: standing atop a downed Chinchilla linemen late in the game, he grabbed a sideline reporter and announced "FLOWERS AIN'T COMING OUT STRONG, WE'RE ALREADY [uninteligible], BITCH! WE AIN'T STOPPIN, WE [uninteligible] DEATH!"
This win was the fourth straight for the surging Flowers, and kept them in a tie for first in the division. With a head to head matchup vs the Balcoholics looming in week 8, the Flowers can assure themselves a spot in a playoff with two more consecutive wins. Said Tom Brady "Two is the same as one, is the same as none. All is together."
If that doesn't sum up Flower football, I don't know what does.
Flowers have their own CIVIL WAR!
Port Moresby- When Michael Jenkins was re-signed this week, the Flowers faithful were jubilent. There had long been cries for a genuine third reciever to aid T.O. and Donald Driver, and Jenkins' signing purported to fill that role. All was well and good until Jenkins arrived at Office Depot stadium, and he locked eyes on Terrell Owens.
In what has been widely reported as a "cat fight", Owens and Jenkins immediately began a round of hair-pulling and kicking. Immediate reports seem confused as to the cause of the disturbance, but insiders quietly point to the fact that T.O. has and always will hate Jenkins.
After the fight was broken up (and Micheal Jenkins was allowed to fix his weave) Flowers management leveled heavy penalties against participating players. One game suspensions for Owens, Donald Driver, and Marcell Shipp. How will this affect the upcoming game?
Another blowout by the Flowers!
Pasadena Funeral
Pasadena - Pasadena defensive end
Paul Spicer left the team after his brother was shot to death in Indianapolis. The Roamers play the Gay Momz this week, and an easy win is now in doubt with the possibility that the Roamers play without their star defensive player.
The 23-year-old Hillman was found in his car dead of apparent multiple gunshot wounds, Sgt. Steve Staletovich of the Indianapolis Police Department said. Police were called about 5 a.m. on Oct. 13 after witnesses reported hearing gunshots. No suspects have been arrested.
There is nothing funny about getting shot to death.
EVERYONE PAYS!
Port Moresby - Another amazing last minute win by the Flowers, who are quickly establishing themselves as the most handsome team in the league. This week the big loser was the Pasadena Roamers, who fall to 2-3. The Flowers, with this win, continue their dominant ways, and keep their share of first place.
The day was filled with highlights, but perhaps none were as fantastic as the punch that Ronde Barbe landed on some old referee. There had been a handful of calls against the Flowers, and player/coach Tom Brady sent Barber in to "enforce the unwritten rules of the game" - and enforce he did! In a spectacular display of physical prowess, the 6'1" Barber (240lbs) decked and flattened his opponent. The Port Moresby faithful went wild, while the half-blind zebra was weepy and repentant.
No further flags were thrown against the Flowers. Said Derrick Mason "BITCHES THE FLOWERS AINT NOTHING TO FUCK WIT!"
Math DESTROYED
South Dakota - In an unsuprising turn of events, the South Dakota Math were totally destroyed this week. What was suprising, however, was the unwillingness of Willie Parker to take the field. Said the coward " I just can't get on the same field with those fearsome Tampa Bay bruisers and that dashing young Leonard Little. What if I were to scuff my vest!? The horror." The owner of Math was unavailable for comment.
With the final score coming in at 116.99-79.99, the Flowers increased their record to 3-1 and took over posession of first place (due to tiebreakers). Also at 3-1 are the Artie-Manning concieved Trojans and the very very old Roamers, though they both are looking sorry and ready to call it quits for the season.
Next week's competetion against the Padadena Roamers will have trappings of a playoff game due to their records, albeit a playoff game where the Flowers win and the Roamers go home to cry about it. When asked about their chance of victory, Roamers quarterback Matt Hasselbeck appeared confused and then returned to eating his lunch. When pressed, he stated in a restrained manner "I'm trying to enjoy my delicious sandwich, please stop asking me about our obvious defeat next week."
Port Moresby- The mysterious city of H-Town this week dropped out of the "elite", and became simply the top team in the muddled middle of the PFFL.
