Enraged Hafner Dooms Future of Kittens
Port Moresby - A sad and silent gloom hung over the crowd at Office Depot field this evening, as the beaten and torn body of Albert Pujols was first shown to the fans that loved him.Currently being kept alive by an artificial oblique muscle, the hitting volcano that is Pujols is dormant. Thousands of fans wept tears of pity and anger, pity for the destitute family of Albert Pujols (who makes a meager 14mil a year) and anger for Travis Hafner.
One of the more disturbing acts of modern fantasy baseball history unfolded this weekend during the customary "trading ritual" of the PFFL. As team management from the Kittens lined up on one side of the "big trade" bridge with management from Infrontofu on the other, there was a certain electricity to the air. Everyone was palpably excited, and occasionally someone would shoot a pistol into the air. It was awesome up to that point.
When the trade was finally ready, the players from each side walked to the center of the bridge, passed one another, and then continued to their new team. Or so it should have been. Immediately after passing the handsome and well-loved Pujols, something clearly snapped in the man-beast Travis Hafner's thick animal skull. He spun and lifted Pujols into the air, and then immediately began to eat Pujol's heavily muscled oblique muscle. A bystander commented "By the time Hafner had been restrained by Jason [Bay] and Scott [Rolen], there was blood and gore and batting average just spilling out of that guy."
Pujols was pronounced dead at the scene, but then apparently defeated the grim reaper in a home-run derby, thereby earning the right to continue his life.
posted by The Minister of Information @ 11:22 AM
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