Nashau Nashes Teeth Over Newest Loss
Nashau - John Carney has historically been known as the ugliest Flower, but now he has a new distinction as well : ugliest Flower to ever win a game almost singlehandedly!!
With Nashau rallying late in the game, the tiny and ugly Carney entered the game and immediately drop-kicked a field goal. To the astonished players and fans, this field goal was counted, despite the fact that the regulation ball and line of scrimmage were nearly 40 yards away and the Flowers were not in posession of the ball.
Although completely against all regulations and rules of play, the referee and scorekeeper continued to allow his field goals to stand, even after several complaints from the Nashau management and players. While the game continued to be played far away, Carney just hung out at the 20 yard line of the Nashers, kicking FG after FG. Truely inspirational.
His play was so stunning that Matt Jones collapsed in a weeping pile, possibly ending his season with a partially torn sense of self.
Cassanovas are kept loveless
Budapest - Another Victory for the Flowers!!!!!
While there were literally over a million reasons to favor the Flowers in this matchup of titans, the high-powered Cassanova offense was stymied yesterday by only two things. The first was the superior defensive effort by the Flowers, the second was the impromptu quarterback play by Ryan Longwell. The defense was flawless, holding the Cassanovas to only 111.21 points, but kinda scoring 24 points on their own. This means the defense only really gave up like 87.21 points which is still pretty good, although all of this talk sort of takes away from their real accomplishment. It is also, unfortunately, difficult to really discuss what their actual impact on the game was as they played a day after most of the rest of the team had finished scoring.
In a year when the math and history challanged fans of the PFFL have screamed for "more scoring", "less scoring", and "a little laser light that follows the football so I can figure out where it is out there", the incredible play of some team defenses have drawn scorn and ridicule. Not this week, however, as the sound play of the Flowers defense was heralded league-wide as both inspirational and heartwarming.
The other spectacular play this week came from team funnyman Ryan Longwell. In a post-game interview, the owner of the Casanovas lamented "If only Ryan Longwell hadn't thrown that pass" - or course addressing the strange field goal attempt in which Ryan Longwell recieved the hike, and then threw the ball up on a fade route into the corner of the endzone. Longwell then sprinted past the CB, ran over Jerry Porter, and caught his own pass for a touchdown. While such exciting play is always a welcome suprise in Port Moresby, Longwell was immediately cut from the squad.
Frank Gore : Gores Whores!!
SCOTTSDALE - The team once known as the AZ BEARS went through many changes in the offseason, including moving their stadium to Scottsdale and altering their team name to (more apt) "Whores". One thing that did not change, however, was their inability to defeat the Port Moresby Flowers.
Frank Gore had 160 all purpose yards against a sieve-like Scottsdale defense, but the real margin of victory was had through the poor play and execution of Jake "the Joke" Plummer. Signed in the offseason by the Whores to "solve" their quarterback issues, Jake once again shit the bed and posted a 13-26, 134 yard, 3 int day.
He also lost a fumble and was sacked 3 times.
Flower Pre-Season Update
Port Moresby - The recently renamed "Fanson Memorial Stadium" still had wet paint signs up when the off-season cuts hit like a ton of bricks: Due to budgetary constraints and the lack of luxury-box sales, nearly the entire Kittens roster was released in the off-season.
Several players car-pooled (in a refugee boat) to the nearby city of Seoul. The 2006 season will see the Flowers' starting lineup in Seoul blue when Edgerrin James, Tom Brady, Donald Driver, Derrick Mason, and Mark Clayton suit up against the returning champion Gay Momz this week. With luck the "ex-Flowers" curse will continue, and these players will follow the path of Keenan McCardell - forever stinking once they leave the island.
In happier news, returning from last year are Antonio Gates, Frank Gore, Julius Peppers, Doug Gabriel and the beast known as Matt Jones. The rest of the team has been filled with a "not ready for primetime" players like Chester Taylor and Heath Miller. Will these orphaned players spell success for the Flowers?? HISTORY SAYS YES!!!!
RYAN HOWARD NOW BACK-HANDING HOMERS!!
Port Moresby - Ryan Howard has begun to bat in an unorthodox, back-handed manner. He is holding the bat with only one hand, and swatting limp-wristedly at the ball. He is continuing to hit Home Runs!!
The great Howard said
“He's meant a lot as far as being able to watch him play and see what he does. One of the things he told me was to stay on an even plane and slow everything down. I watched him growing up, and to learn from him now has been great.”
This was, of course, referring to Baseball great Ryan Howard himself!!!
Howard Dongs Again!!
Greensburg - Ryan Howard has hit another "yarder", and has surpassed the modern-era Kittens record, set in 1999 by Albert Belle. In the middle of a suicide squeeze, Howard bunted the ball with such force that it impaled Carlos Zambrano and then launched the portly central american into the upper deck.
Is there any limit to Howard's power? So far, leading scientists do not think so. As recently as last week Howard swung his bat in such a fashion as to strike the souls of all of the Greensburg players that had "irritated" him during the year, immediately disabling Roger Clemens, Chipper Jones, Scott Kazmir, Nomar Garciaparra, and Manny Ramierez. Luckily for the Barfielders faithful, the organization is run in such a "cut-and-run" manner that they were immediately replaced by a "scab" crew of non-union chumps.
KITTENS PENANT FEVER!!!!!
PORT MORESBY - The waning weeks of fall once again bring the fans of the Baseball PFFL to a stupendous frenzy, where tears are shed over wasted talent and beautiful "double plays" alike. This year is no exception, and the tears are extra extreme this time around because of the wild and out of control play off picture!!!!
The Port Moresby Flowers are only 10 points out of first place, due largely to the superior play of Ryan Howard. Howard-mania has swept the depressing and criminally infested streets of Port Moresby, where millions of Port Moresbians have taken to wearing black in tribute to the baddest, blackest man on the planet. (see picture) With every "tater" Howard blasts out of the stadium, fires are set, babies are smashed, and wild week-long celebrations commence. In fact, often the riot proceeding one homer has not even ended by the time the next "dinger" is blasted!
